Have you ever wondered why some marriages succeed and others do not?  Why do some marriages suddenly end in divorce after so many years, while others just don't last past the first year?  John Gottman (1999) points to some of these factors in his idea of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  The destructive Four Horsemen are not only found in the Bible, but may be found running rampant in a person's marriage.

Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism happens in all significant relationships, but can wear a person down over time.  Complaints and criticisms are two different phenomena.  A complaint is normally a global (wide) statement like, "I don't like this food, it really doesn't taste good."  A criticism, however, is directed at the person, "You really cook terrible, I can't stand your food."

Horseman #2: Defensiveness
Defensiveness works like a trampoline, flinging back any attacks or perceived attacks onto the other person.  Using our cooking conversation, defensiveness can be expressed by, "Well, like you're really good at cooking?!  You can't even turn on the oven by yourself!"

Horseman #3: Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one or both partners cut each other out of the conversation during conflict.  For example, in this scenario the husband may get up from the table, walk away, and not talk to the wife for a couple of hours. 

A word of warning:
These 3 horsemen are usually found in all intimate partner relationships to some degree.  However, the presence of the 4th horseman is the only clear indicator that a divorce is very likely. In Gottman's (1999) research, all couples headed towards divorce had the 4th horseman, while non-divorcing couples had only the first 3 horsemen. Elevated levels of the 3 horsemen over time can lead to the final horseman.   

Horseman #4: Contempt
Contempt is shown by a wanton disgust for the other person and is clearly seen in the use of mockery, "Oh, I'm so precious! I have to have my meals just so or I don't like them.  If you don't cook like my momma then you are..." 

The good news about the Four Horsemen is that they can be driven off and the relationship repaired, especially with the help of a professional like a marriage and family therapist.

Reference:

Gottman, J. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W. W. Norton.

There is something qualitative to be said for being a part of a community of people that spans the breadth of the United States.  Professional associations, conferences, academic studies, and personal travels have given me friends and acquaintances from around the country.  Good acquaintances in Florida, California, Massachusetts, Texas, and Colorado have offered valuable insight that have helped grow me as a professional therapist.  Friends from Oregon, Delaware, Montana,  Minnesota, Tennessee, Georgia, Texas, Louisiana, and Arizona have shrunk distances in the United States so that I feel a part of their lives despite the distance.  This idea resonates with the Adlerian principle of social responsibility and the Narrative practice of the role of the community.  I believe that being part of a larger community, whether professionally, personally, or religiously, is a want, and perhaps need, for many people.  Functional communities help the person grow in ideas, supports the person in times of need, and enables the person to return the service.  Functional churches, synagogues, temples, universities, professional associations, families, and even cults do the same.  The world is not such a big and daunting place with others by your side.

Some women that I have met recently seem to think that they have a special device in their brain that detects gay men.  Apparently, I seem to get a reaction from this device.  Yes, last week while in Dallas I heard that, "You are gay, you are soooo gay" again and again.  This does not happen with men.  I baked a guy a blueberry scone the other day, and he thought I was different, but did not question my sexuality.  Upon reflection, some women think I am gay because:

1. I have good hygiene.  Yes, I know almost as much about hair and skin care as most women, and I enjoy flossing and smelling good.

2. I listen well to women.  As a marriage and family therapy student I am trained in listening and relating to people.  A man who listens must be gay, right?

3. I love to cook.  The Betty Crocker cookbook is my friend, and I cook most meals in my household.  Herbs de Provence is a verb in my house.

4. I love the arts.  Nothing thrills me in quite the same way to hear a piano concerto, listen to a musical, or behold masterful works of art at the Louvre'.

5. I have nice clothes and long hair.  Apparently clothes that match and long hair that shines can be misconstrued!

Last week was not the first time that people have mistaken me or called me a gay man.  I am not offended by this as I have mentors who are gay and are interesting, compassionate, and fabulous people.  What I have learned is that some people, or some women in this case, may have a skewed or limited view of what is masculine.  Gender roles are alive and well in America today, and I would be a very drab person if I obeyed them!